Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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