I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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