I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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