One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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