i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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