i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
