Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
