Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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