you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You took a bar mat shot.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
