i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
