I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
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