i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
