you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
