thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
