I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
