Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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