I think I died a long time ago.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize