it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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