The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize