my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
