mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Randomize
