i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
