His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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