so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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