I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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