My liver just broke up with me...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
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Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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