so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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