stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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