I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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