i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
