How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
