Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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