i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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