I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
