why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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