I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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