So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
