i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Semen is not good for contacts.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
