I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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