____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
