What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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