dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
