i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
