I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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