i wish there were pregnant emoticons
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
