oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
