I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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