Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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