i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
