Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
