the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
