I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
