So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
