If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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