What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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