Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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