I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
