dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
