you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom