listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
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just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
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He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.