my shit smells like andre
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
