After last night, I could never be a politician.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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